3AM Thoughts And Notes

I've got an overload of invalid emotions and I don't know what to do with them And it's all your fault that I'm feeling this way coz Why would you say all the shit you said Make all the promises you made Why would you lie the way you did then leave me on my own while you love someone else?  All of these feelings you gave me Making me crave your intimacy Letting me put my heart and soul at your mercy then leaving me starving Where did you learn this cruelty? Your mother could've done a better job at raising you Your daddy should've taught you how to treat a woman better Shit, your own conscience should've have itched at the thought of making me bitter But it didn't. You didn't. You went ahead and did it. You fucked me over and left me fucked over and hung up Hung out, dried up, fiending for your love like a drug I can't get over You pulled the plug, cut my supply, without hesititation took my oxygen Left me crying, vomitting, coughing up blood, an...

I should've listened to Sir when he said "you can't save me from myself" coz honestly all this time I've been with you that's what I've been trying to do Save you from you I tried to keep you safe, not just for me but for everyone who ever had the pleasure of knowing you I tried to keep you out of harms way but it seems to be the only way that you prefer I tried to love you enough for the both of us I tried to use my love to keep your demons away I tried to care for you into finding your healing I tried to be your peace, your home, your love, your happy place, your free space But like the song says, I can't save you from you... I loved you past your pain, past your flaws and past your shame I loved you through every thorn That came from you to me I loved you when I felt nothing but pain from you I loved you despite every chain That kept you from doing the same I loved the lies you told me I loved care you lacked towards me I loved your everyday absence...

 I know that I need to get this out and the only I know how is to write it all down To speak my feelings into being So that I can later murder them when I finally feel free But today I lack the words to describe what it is that I'm feeling Coz if I say it, if I speak it into existence I'm finally admitting to letting you go Maybe this is why I've never written or uttered a single word of you Coz maybe I've never really wanted to see you go But now I don't think it's right that I hold onto what I believe we've had all these years Coz I think that what I've believed to be true love is only my fear of it being nothing at all I've loved you, or at least felt drawn to you from the moment the I met you I was like a moth to a flame Flying too close to your sun Blinded by its brilliance, attracted by its warmth, drawn to its light From that moment on, I wanted to be in your space, breathe your air, feel your touch, and hear your voice I wanted your very esse...

I got the dead watching over me Getting me through the daily grind, keeping me alive I got the dead watching over me Looking out from the other side, making sure I still survive I got the dead watching over me Making sure that even after the darkest night, like the sun I still rise I got the dead watching over me Picking me up everytime I fall, holding me up like a wall I got the dead watching over me Guidimg me through the storms, keeping me warm in the cold I got the dead watching over me Keeping me out of the devils line of sight and the demons from dimming my light I got the dead watching over me Bringing all kinds of good energy into my life and keeping peaceful spirits by my side I got the dead watching over me Helping me fight the good fight... I got the the dead watching over me I got the dead by my side I got the dead in my dreams I got the dead on my mind, and for that reason I suggest you keep your mess at a minimum in my life. 

I really embarrass myself more often than I'd like to admit... Most of the time, it’s my body betraying me and that’s completely out of my control. No, I don’t mean the typical problems like being turned on at the wrong time and ending up in positions I didn’t plan on. For me, that’s somewhat easier to deal. This is far worse than that. Sometimes it’s my mind leaving me at the most critical moments, and even that seems to be uncontrollable. Other times words just fail me, memory evades me, and, purpose leaves me. I’m not entirely sure why either happens but I’ve found myself being more cautious of what I do, where I go, and who I let in because of it. Who I let in… I haven’t let in anyone for years. Years. Not a doctor, not a lover, not a friend, not even my parents. Where do I even begin to explain what’s been happening? What do I say? “Ohh hey, by the way, I feel a little alien and I think my body does too. Help me? Please?” Is that how you do it? Is that how ...

I hope that wherever you go, you find the rarity that is realness. I hope that the undervalued commodity that is love follows you I pray that your souls kin catches you I hope the light in your eyes never dims And that the hope in your heart never dies I pray for your happiness more than I'll ever pray for mine, because even the darkest of souls are lit up when you smile I hope you find peace I pray for a calm to the stormy waters you find yourself in I wish for you the sofest of lives I wish for an end to your heartavhe I pray you never have to be strong again I wish for an end to your "let's try it outs" and your "maybe we'll succeeds" I wish that you're assured of your dreams I pray that around the corner, you'll find your happily ever after Until then, I'll keep hoping. I'll stay praying. I'll be wishing...