3AM Thoughts And Notes

I got the dead watching over me Getting me through the daily grind, keeping me alive I got the dead watching over me Looking out from the other side, making sure I still survive I got the dead watching over me Making sure that even after the darkest night, like the sun I still rise I got the dead watching over me Picking me up everytime I fall, holding me up like a wall I got the dead watching over me Guidimg me through the storms, keeping me warm in the cold I got the dead watching over me Keeping me out of the devils line of sight and the demons from dimming my light I got the dead watching over me Bringing all kinds of good energy into my life and keeping peaceful spirits by my side I got the dead watching over me Helping me fight the good fight... I got the the dead watching over me I got the dead by my side I got the dead in my dreams I got the dead on my mind, and for that reason I suggest you keep your mess at a minimum in my life. 

I really embarrass myself more often than I'd like to admit... Most of the time, it’s my body betraying me and that’s completely out of my control. No, I don’t mean the typical problems like being turned on at the wrong time and ending up in positions I didn’t plan on. For me, that’s somewhat easier to deal. This is far worse than that. Sometimes it’s my mind leaving me at the most critical moments, and even that seems to be uncontrollable. Other times words just fail me, memory evades me, and, purpose leaves me. I’m not entirely sure why either happens but I’ve found myself being more cautious of what I do, where I go, and who I let in because of it. Who I let in… I haven’t let in anyone for years. Years. Not a doctor, not a lover, not a friend, not even my parents. Where do I even begin to explain what’s been happening? What do I say? “Ohh hey, by the way, I feel a little alien and I think my body does too. Help me? Please?” Is that how you do it? Is that how ...

I hope that wherever you go, you find the rarity that is realness. I hope that the undervalued commodity that is love follows you I pray that your souls kin catches you I hope the light in your eyes never dims And that the hope in your heart never dies I pray for your happiness more than I'll ever pray for mine, because even the darkest of souls are lit up when you smile I hope you find peace I pray for a calm to the stormy waters you find yourself in I wish for you the sofest of lives I wish for an end to your heartavhe I pray you never have to be strong again I wish for an end to your "let's try it outs" and your "maybe we'll succeeds" I wish that you're assured of your dreams I pray that around the corner, you'll find your happily ever after Until then, I'll keep hoping. I'll stay praying. I'll be wishing...

I've written a lot about you lately. For a long time you were all I could think about even though we nearly never spoke or saw each other. I had dreams about you too, some wildly erotic, others just calm little conversations. I had vivid flashbacks of the shit we got up to and I could barely watch any series, movies, videos; or listen to any of the music you plugged me into despite them being the only suggestions on my YouTube. I'd recall the conversations we had and laugh coz despite the seriousness that was there, our little problems always seem to have a little silver lining. I set up Hookah the way you used to. with a little flourish here and there coz I learnt from other people too. You never knew this but I watched how you rolled a joint very closely, it fascinated me; and now that's exactly how I do it even through other acquaintances efforts to change it... A lot of the time, I miss you and the little agreement we had. It was so simple but so necessary. You got me...

I don't wanna lie, I still want you Hearing your name still makes my heart skip a beat even though I know it's nowhere near being you I'm still under your spell Still wrapped around your finger Still willing to twist and put myself in back breaking positions that make you comfortable Still losing my morals to make you happy I'm still there Still listening, still feeling, still loving I haven't lost it

For all the hate in the world, I did not deserve this. For all the joy I tried to spread For all the love I tried to give For all the hate I tried to alleviate For all the conversation For all the honesty For all the consistency... I did not deserve the wrath you sent my way I did not deserve your hate I did not deserve the pain you left here I did not deserve the resentment you gave me For all the war, for all the hate, for all the evil in this world, I did nothing but exist... Why was I given pain?...

I’m scared of big gardens and friendly neighbors because despite knowing how broken my childhood home was, no one came to save me I’m scared of books and libraries because they allowed me to build a world where we were all happy I’m scared of pianos and safe spaces because they drowned out all my desperate cries and screams for help... Even to myself I’m scared of achievements, goals and good grades because they hid away everything that is contrary  to a happy and healthy mind I’m scared of my future love because he is capable of lying through his teeth and saying he loves me no matter how much he hates me, of saying he’d never hurt me intentionally, of saying he only did it because I was too happy or because I looked too pretty I’m scared of bottles of alcohol because even though I’ve seen them broken on heads they still allude to me being content and free I’m scared of kids because I’d die if they were to carry the burdens that were meant for me I’m scared of the fa...

I thought that if I bring myself down Contort smiles out of my frowns Give you all of me, love you wholeheartedly. You'd have the decency to treat me like a human being if not a queen. I put your potential so high up on pedestal, That I forgot to see your reality and realize that you truly hate me I thought maybe something was wrong with me; maybe I clash with your personality; maybe I'm not loving the way you want, or need to be; maybe you really aren't doing all of this intentionally... But, how are you calling it a mistake when almost killing me is a daily risk you take, When everyday you take my breath away and not in a good way You choke me with your lies, fists and your kicks. Then force me to take roses as your half baked apology Even though you see that their thorns cut and pierce me Even as you see me broken and bleeding. I've lost all my will to breathe I've lost all the energy to fight or please you I'm gonna let myself drown in all m...

Caught myself bored and thinking about you today I have no idea why so it kinda hit me off guard But, it wasn't the usual thoughts or memories Like your voice, your laugh, your kisses, your ambition, how you feel, how you held me or even flashbacks It wasnt nostalgia, I didn't miss you nor did I wish I could bump into you Don't worry, it wasn't disgust either You just happened to cross my mind Just your name But I honestly couldn't recall the curves of your face, the tone of your voice, how you smelt or the taste of your skin It was like I couldn't remember you or the short lived thing we had but you were still on my mind I don't know how or why it happened but I caught myself bored and thinking about you today And for the first time since I met you, I hated it.

Everytime I listen to this song, I think aboit you in a way I'm not supposed to.  I feel a way about you A way I'm not meant to It's against the rules  And I know I'm only breaking my own heart here But I really don't know what to do here I've never been here I'm not supposed to be here How did I get here I'm breaking all our rules here But can you blame me when you're so easy to love? So simple to be loyal to, to trust When the sex is so good that I can never get enough  When you're flawless to touch When you hold me like you do Look at me like for that moment I'm all that matters to you Can you blame me that I think you're heavensent And that you're swag is so effortless  That you leave me breathless  I feel like you breathe a new life into me that I never knew existed. Your smile leaves me excited. And everytime I see you with another girl I feel gutted. It's against the rules...

I'm fighting demons I'm fighting demons that are trying to get rid of me I'm fighting demons that I can't and shouldn't fight I'm fighting demons in the dark I'm fighting demons in the light I'm  fighting demons that I can and can't see I'm fighting demons that are within me, without me and all around me I'm fighting demons that don't wanna see me win But they don't wanna see me give up either because that's not nearly as entertaining as watching me fighting a losing battle I'm fighting demons Temptations Heartache Heartbreak Emptiness Soullessness Death I'm fighting... Demons... So please be patient with me.

Someday we're gonna have to talk about this shit How we decidedly ignore our spirits I mean don't get me wrong, I don't believe in soul ties and shit And my pussy ain't really connected to my feels But I know something shifts everytime we lay down And if we're really laying it down, tomorrow we'll feel more empty than we do now Coz yeah warm bodies warm cold souls for moment but lets talk about this for a second Our minds are what need peace but we go for physical release Amd yeah I like it, it's good. Matter of fact it's great But we know everytime we lay in eachothers arms, a piece of our gold is taken away Fulfilling our physical necessities when in all honesty it's our spirituals that need to be set free... Why are we acting like all of this don't mean nothing? It might really mean shit to you, but for me it stands for something You're taking up space in my forever and turning it into never And if I don't stand for me,...

Hey bartender, I need a refill, this bottle went by too fast I'm not even sure what I'm drinking anymore But I'll take anything to wash away these sorrows A shot to take the pain away Maybe vodka or tequila, maybe a bullet Substance has become my cloud 9 where all my troubles disappear to, the ether But it seems like my guardian angels can't deal either Maybe I need an intervention with the divine The holy trinity, vodka gin and wine Or methylated spirits to clean my tainted soul and release it to where spirits are made whole I'm not sure but I know something is bound to fill me up John 8:11, I'm the uncondenmed whore My demons are so old, they've been raising the bar Serving up dark drinks like wisdom Denying my soul it's freedom Flaming Lamborghini of pain and lies Burning out the last of my happiness like a wildfire Or maybe I've just gone haywire I'm pretty sure I'm crazy But with all the liquor in ...

It's, it's really hot in here Emotions are running high, tensions so thick you could cut through them with a butter knife It's really loud in here Too many voices, too many options, and a lot of choices It's kinda crowded in here Promises, memories, people I held onto and broken pieces. I'm feeling a lil claustrophobic It's really messy in here An empty bottle here, all the issues I'm trying to drink away over there and I'm tripping on all the obstacles I'm not seeing It's too much up here, I'm getting lost in here, I don't think you should visit up here...

You say you wanna fuck with me but you lack the conviction You say you want all of me but you never complete your mission You never have a plan, you never have a vision Listen nigga, I ain't tryna play.  I'm tryna build something If that ain't for you, then get to stepping I don't have time to be playing mistress I'm tryna be the only one on the right side of your mattress I wanna be down for you when you're crawling I wanna slide with you when you're walking I wanna ride for you when you running Man, I wanna soar with you when you flying  Fall with you if you're crashing Wipe your tears if you crying Look out for you if fuck around and catch yourself slipping If we ain't doing that, I'm ready to leave at the drop of a hat If forever aint a thing, lets leave this at that

I need you to not need me I want you to want me I want to come to a cup that's already full and overflowing I don't want to be your rehabilitation facility or your place of healing I don't want to help you swim or figure out how to use your parachute I don't want to polish your silver spoon I don't want to nourish you I want you to be full I want you to be intentional I want you to be happy even without me I don't want to be your solace or safe space I'm not willing to be your escape I've got selfish intentions so I need you to not need me