3AM Thoughts And Notes

I've written a lot about you lately. For a long time you were all I could think about even though we nearly never spoke or saw each other. I had dreams about you too, some wildly erotic, others just calm little conversations. I had vivid flashbacks of the shit we got up to and I could barely watch any series, movies, videos; or listen to any of the music you plugged me into despite them being the only suggestions on my YouTube. I'd recall the conversations we had and laugh coz despite the seriousness that was there, our little problems always seem to have a little silver lining. I set up Hookah the way you used to. with a little flourish here and there coz I learnt from other people too. You never knew this but I watched how you rolled a joint very closely, it fascinated me; and now that's exactly how I do it even through other acquaintances efforts to change it... A lot of the time, I miss you and the little agreement we had. It was so simple but so necessary. You got me...

I don't wanna lie, I still want you Hearing your name still makes my heart skip a beat even though I know it's nowhere near being you I'm still under your spell Still wrapped around your finger Still willing to twist and put myself in back breaking positions that make you comfortable Still losing my morals to make you happy I'm still there Still listening, still feeling, still loving I haven't lost it

For all the hate in the world, I did not deserve this. For all the joy I tried to spread For all the love I tried to give For all the hate I tried to alleviate For all the conversation For all the honesty For all the consistency... I did not deserve the wrath you sent my way I did not deserve your hate I did not deserve the pain you left here I did not deserve the resentment you gave me For all the war, for all the hate, for all the evil in this world, I did nothing but exist... Why was I given pain?...

I’m scared of big gardens and friendly neighbors because despite knowing how broken my childhood home was, no one came to save me I’m scared of books and libraries because they allowed me to build a world where we were all happy I’m scared of pianos and safe spaces because they drowned out all my desperate cries and screams for help... Even to myself I’m scared of achievements, goals and good grades because they hid away everything that is contrary  to a happy and healthy mind I’m scared of my future love because he is capable of lying through his teeth and saying he loves me no matter how much he hates me, of saying he’d never hurt me intentionally, of saying he only did it because I was too happy or because I looked too pretty I’m scared of bottles of alcohol because even though I’ve seen them broken on heads they still allude to me being content and free I’m scared of kids because I’d die if they were to carry the burdens that were meant for me I’m scared of the fa...