Ramblings of An Absent Mind

I really embarrass myself more often than I'd like to admit...

Most of the time, it’s my body betraying me and that’s completely out of my control.

No, I don’t mean the typical problems like being turned on at the wrong time and ending up in positions I didn’t plan on.

For me, that’s somewhat easier to deal.

This is far worse than that.

Sometimes it’s my mind leaving me at the most critical moments, and even that seems to be uncontrollable.

Other times words just fail me, memory evades me, and, purpose leaves me.

I’m not entirely sure why either happens but I’ve found myself being more cautious of what I do, where I go, and who I let in because of it.

Who I let in…

I haven’t let in anyone for years. Years. Not a doctor, not a lover, not a friend, not even my parents.

Where do I even begin to explain what’s been happening? What do I say?

“Ohh hey, by the way, I feel a little alien and I think my body does too. Help me? Please?”

Is that how you do it? Is that how you open the flood gates?

I know that I’m ducking and diving, running and hiding, it won’t help me for long unless I try some changes;

But this has been my life for over a decade. Changing a decade worth of habits and routines?

Who will I be after that?

I wouldn’t recognize myself. Not that I like looking in the mirror anyway.

I don’t know. I’m hanging in the balance here, grasping on straws to survive. I’m on the precipice of my ending, and maybe my beginning.

Something’s got to give. Something’s bound to happen.

I’ll come revisit this when it does…

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