Reflections: Midnight Thoughts and Realizations
I've written a lot about you lately. For a long time you were all I could think about even though we nearly never spoke or saw each other. I had dreams about you too, some wildly erotic, others just calm little conversations. I had vivid flashbacks of the shit we got up to and I could barely watch any series, movies, videos; or listen to any of the music you plugged me into despite them being the only suggestions on my YouTube. I'd recall the conversations we had and laugh coz despite the seriousness that was there, our little problems always seem to have a little silver lining. I set up Hookah the way you used to. with a little flourish here and there coz I learnt from other people too. You never knew this but I watched how you rolled a joint very closely, it fascinated me; and now that's exactly how I do it even through other acquaintances efforts to change it...
A lot of the time, I miss you and the little agreement we had. It was so simple but so necessary. You got me through a lot of shit and you really don't even know. My being part of your support system was really my lifeline; and there was one phone call I hadn't expected from you but it came at the right time, put everything right and all was well with the world despite my world falling apart. Now the reason why I'm writing this is not coz I want any of that back. I mean it would be awesome yeah sure, but… I don't really know.
Anyway this was prompted by something that happened this morning. I woke up in someone's bed other than my own, not that that's shocking but the feeling that I had was what shook me. I felt guilty. I felt like I had used someone whose intentions were pure for my own carnal satisfaction; and boiiiii was I satisfied... But that's all I wanted from him and then I was ready to leave. I hated how it felt to be there and I hated how strings were attached to what had happened and how I was using, abusing and bruising someone who wants nothing but all my mess; and most of all I hated how it was not the first time that I felt that way about someone, but you know that already. The more I radiated annoyance and pushed him away, the more I hurt him. Eventually though, I came to my senses and made a dumb excuse which I think he believed and I apologised for being such a dick. I think now you're wondering where the hell you come in.
I know who I am and I know what I want from a man, and trust me, he is more than willing to give it all to me and more, but I don't want it with him. I wanted it with you. So I took whatever I could get from our arrangement and I was happy, fulfilled even, with scraps. I believed that at some point, you'd realise that we're good for eachother, and we're all the other needs, and somehow we'd be. I thought you'd get over your self-diagnosed emotional unavailability, which by the way is utter bullshit so stop trying to pass it off as true, and say you want me in your life properly, for real... Or at least that's what I thought I wanted, I mean why else would you be all I ever write about or the dreams that I remember. Anyway, never mind that coz it never came to be.
What I actually realized tonight is that you aren't really what I want. I want the simplicity of you, the idea of you is so attractive. how I can be so vulnerable with you, and you with me and I can always trust you to never use it against me; how I can't lie to you. How I can sleep and wake up in your arms without the burden of commitment, and obviously the sex too. I really loved the thought of you. You and I was easy, it came naturally to me. Maybe coz I'm naturally messed up and maybe you are too, and I won't call what we had toxic coz I truly believe it was far from it, we helped each other through too much for me to say that. But now everything I try is between a rock and a hard place and I don't wanna fight for anything. I'm too tired from my daily nightmares and tormented sleep... But like I said I'm not asking for any of it back, I just realized all of this tonight and I thought you'd want to know.
A lot of the time, I miss you and the little agreement we had. It was so simple but so necessary. You got me through a lot of shit and you really don't even know. My being part of your support system was really my lifeline; and there was one phone call I hadn't expected from you but it came at the right time, put everything right and all was well with the world despite my world falling apart. Now the reason why I'm writing this is not coz I want any of that back. I mean it would be awesome yeah sure, but… I don't really know.
Anyway this was prompted by something that happened this morning. I woke up in someone's bed other than my own, not that that's shocking but the feeling that I had was what shook me. I felt guilty. I felt like I had used someone whose intentions were pure for my own carnal satisfaction; and boiiiii was I satisfied... But that's all I wanted from him and then I was ready to leave. I hated how it felt to be there and I hated how strings were attached to what had happened and how I was using, abusing and bruising someone who wants nothing but all my mess; and most of all I hated how it was not the first time that I felt that way about someone, but you know that already. The more I radiated annoyance and pushed him away, the more I hurt him. Eventually though, I came to my senses and made a dumb excuse which I think he believed and I apologised for being such a dick. I think now you're wondering where the hell you come in.
I know who I am and I know what I want from a man, and trust me, he is more than willing to give it all to me and more, but I don't want it with him. I wanted it with you. So I took whatever I could get from our arrangement and I was happy, fulfilled even, with scraps. I believed that at some point, you'd realise that we're good for eachother, and we're all the other needs, and somehow we'd be. I thought you'd get over your self-diagnosed emotional unavailability, which by the way is utter bullshit so stop trying to pass it off as true, and say you want me in your life properly, for real... Or at least that's what I thought I wanted, I mean why else would you be all I ever write about or the dreams that I remember. Anyway, never mind that coz it never came to be.
What I actually realized tonight is that you aren't really what I want. I want the simplicity of you, the idea of you is so attractive. how I can be so vulnerable with you, and you with me and I can always trust you to never use it against me; how I can't lie to you. How I can sleep and wake up in your arms without the burden of commitment, and obviously the sex too. I really loved the thought of you. You and I was easy, it came naturally to me. Maybe coz I'm naturally messed up and maybe you are too, and I won't call what we had toxic coz I truly believe it was far from it, we helped each other through too much for me to say that. But now everything I try is between a rock and a hard place and I don't wanna fight for anything. I'm too tired from my daily nightmares and tormented sleep... But like I said I'm not asking for any of it back, I just realized all of this tonight and I thought you'd want to know.
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